As cute as it was, I don't really have a clear way to tell Tommy to not be jealous of Jax. I mean, how do I say Jax is gay and then explain the Aly/Jax thing? Considering I'm not even completely sure of it myself.

But the jealousy thing obviously wasn't serious or long lived or anything when he - God, I can't even write it without grinning like an idiot. I know he hasn't told me he loves me yet, but he doesn't have to say it directly. Things like that, they just...

Even when I was with Rich, I never wanted kids. I don't know what it is about Tommy that's so different, but I would risk messing up years of work just to have a kid that's his. Ours. A kid that's just ours.

But not until after I'm out of high school. And we'd have to get married first.

Oh, God, a wedding.

I so very much want to marry him. I have to resist the urge to write my first name with his last name. Not gonna do it.

Sarah Shepherd.

One of these days, I'm gonna have to end this 'sick leave' and go back to school...

Ugh. Why can't it be summer already?

I guess I'll have to enjoy these days off for as long as I can. And as much as I can. Though, I'm sure me and Tommy will need a break from each other. Eventually. Maybe.

Damn it.

It was awesome seeing Uriko again. Even though we weren't always the closest friends, people from Xavier's, are people from Xavier's. I need to try and hang out with them more, really. I miss people.

And maybe forget about the fact that a kid... A kid that looked eight or so, at that, can fall from like, 20 feet, break a leg, and not whine about it, when I got dropped 8 feet, fractured my ankle, and that definitely had me in tears.

Damn, I hope I've toughened up since then...

...Seriously, who the hell is Kate?

Jackass. I still think I maybe should have punched him one more time - For Aly, or something. - but he was gone for so long that I didn't know whether I should kick his ass or jump him or yell at him or what.

But he's okay, and he's back, and he's got all his fingers and toes and arms and legs and everything else he had before, so I guess I can't complain too much. But if he does it again, he better damn well make sure I know, or take me with him.

I just hope he doesn't do it again too soon...

At least Aly wasn't mad at him. I think if she just hadn't come home from going awandering with the rest of the people on the school trip, and was so happy about being back, she might have.

I told him I loved him... I guess that means he's coming home with me for Easter.

I hope Daddy wasn't joking when he said Mama made him get rid of all his guns.

There are some days I wonder if leaving the school was the best idea, but I think days like this make it all worth it.

It was nice seeing people from school again. Once I actually get this whole having my own apartment and two jobs and school thing down, I might actually try and get in touch with other school people.

I'm worried about Jax. I'm worried about the ring, and how things are gonna be at the school, and so many other things and... I'm just worried about so many things, and I'm not sure I'm worrying the right amount about the right things.

I shouldn't be worrying more about the ring than I am Jax. But I am, and I don't like that. But if he keeps shutting me out like he is, how can I help him anyway? That's the use of worrying about someone who...

No, I shouldn't think like that. I won't. He's my best friend, and one way or another, I'll find a way to help him.

But how? If he won't let me...

( 'A promise ring?' [Jackson] )

She liked it! She loved it. She loves me. And I love her.

She's leaving. We're leaving. I wanted to leave anyway, but she kept me here, and now that she /doesn't/ want to be here...

God, I love her. I didn't think that after Rich, I'd...

We'll be living with Rene and Jax. If they want us to. I should probably ask them, cause i don't think Aly is the type to ask...

Even if they don't let us, we're still leaving. We can get our our place. I think I'd like that more, but...

But I can even enjoy living with Jax and Rene too. Either way, it'll be out of here. And we can still have our own bed, maybe.

But first, I need to talk to Jax and Rene.

( 'I love it. It's all -- it's little, and pretty, and just ... perfect.' [Alyssa] )

Aly's gonna be working with me at the parlor. Same hours, same things. Maybe, eventually when Andy thinks he can handle two apprentices, Aly can even do that. I know she's good enough for it.

I wonder if I can convince her to get a piercing or tattoo. Or both. I hope so.

( 'It can't be any crazier than being in love with you.' [Alyssa, Andy] )

Well, that's that then. Me and Aly are getting our own place.

Our own place. With our own kitchen, and our own couch and our own bed...

Our place. A place with no one telling us what to do, and the only rules are the ones we make.

I think I'll really like that.

( 'I don't want you to.' [Jackson, Rene] )</xi>

Okay, just to really help me keep up with all the tattoos Canvas' has, and for everyone else to know, I've decided to make a somewhat detailed list of the tattoos she has. So, here we go. I won't be surprised of the list reaches over 20.

Jax - Vegan Candy Brains
Aly - Edible Chocolate Body Paint
Tommy - Speed Racer DVDs
Andy - A GR8 TaT2 Maker

Had dinner with Jackson. Lunch? Dinner? Whatever. Ate with Jackson. Asked him how he ad Aly were since work and school and everything has been killing me lately...

I think I need to talk to Aly. I don't wanna ruin things again. Not like I did with Rich. I don't want to jump to conclusions again.

Hrm. That guy was pretty cute, considering he had that Draco Malfoy thing going for him. Looks wise, at least. Though, I'm more of a Fred Weasley type of girl myself.

Should I go out with him though? I know Alyssa won't care, and it's not like I'm gonna stop dating her, but I don't know if it's possible for me to actually go out with more than one person and not develop an attention disorder.

Guess I just gotta go out with him and see. If he ever calls.

( 'Last boyfriend? So I can I take that as you don't currently have a boyfriend?' )

I'm not really sure how to feel about any of this. In a way I guess I should be happy? I don't have to hurt Aly now, but... it kinda seems like I'm hurting so much she might accidentally feel it.

I wish he just didn't love me anymore. The fact that he still does, and doesn't think we should be together hurts more than that would. It must. There's no way it can hurt more than this.

I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Even if he's not longterm, or whatever he said. I may be able to love other people, but I don't know if I'll ever stop loving him.

This must be how Buffy feels about Angel.

I don't know if I can go out with Aly tonight. I'm in a bar mood, but not in the way I need to be for going out. Damn. I really want a drink.

She's right. I just need to talk to him. But hell if I know how to, even more so about us. Part of me just wishes I could move on, but I think that's a lot harder since we never had... I dunno. Closure? I just don't want to hurt anymore people. I don't want to hurt Aly.

Heh. In some weird way, he was right. I don't want any other guys. At least, not right now. I just want Rich.

I think there is a chance I'm a very bad person. Maybe. I dunno. I have to think about all of this. I don't want to hurt anymore people.

Why am I such a bitch lately? Even if I don't mean to be. Maybe there's more than a chance that I'm a bad person. I'm pretty sure I am.

I hate myself sometimes.

Jax got me thinking about stuff. Family stuff. I mean, I already have a family, back home up north, but, they're up north. The only actual family I got down here is Becca, and yeah, she's an awesome cousin, but she's not best friend type of family you can tell everything too.

She's the type of family that lets you figure out what your favorite kind of drink is and get drunk doing it. Then she'll take care of you when you're hungover and won't tell anyone after. But the best friend type of family? I'm not sure I have that at all, really. I mean, I'm superclose with my parents, cause they're all... them. They've taken me to as many plays as possible since I was little. They took me to see RENT on my 10th birthday, and started my obsession.

But a best friend family. Maybe Aly and Jax and Rene could be that. Along with Hana and Emmett and whatever their kid's name is gonna be.

They got me started thinking about my powers. If it's ink on skin, I don't know why I shouldn't be able to do paper too... I'll just have to start practicing I guess. But do I practice on drawings, or like, magazine stuff? I wonder if the type of paper depends on how easier it is?

Man, I shouldn't think about scientific stuff. It makes my brain hurt.

It is weird how much sense it kinda makes. I mean, a lot of people being in a relationship. Okay, maybe it doesn't make much sense, but it makes enough to not seem weird or bad or icky, and who wants something that is completely figured out anyway?

Aly is a good kisser. I dunno if Jax is yet or not. He did not kiss much, but he was cute when he did and blushed. And i dunno if that Rene guy is or not, but I know he is cute and he must be sweet for all the flowers he sent Jax just to cheer him up. I think me and Aly helped cheer him up too. Maybe all together, the three of us can get him out of his room!

In a way, this is kind of easy. I already know I love Jax, but in a friend way. I'm sure that can grow to loving him the other way! And Aly loves Jax and Jax loves Aly and Rene and maybe one day he will love me like that, and me and Aly will love each other, too. A big love fest.

Man. I just have to break it off with Luke now. No way he would join in on the love fest with the rest of us I know... but being with him... I dunno. I just think it'd be better if we were friends.

That's not gonna be fun at all.